9/11

I haven't blogged anything in a long time. It's not that I don't think about it or want to, I think about it almost daily. I just struggle to find the time. The truth is, I love to write. There is something wonderful about taking a word and stringing it with another couple of words to paint a picture for someone, evoke a feeling, make someone think differntly or make them laugh. There are many, many things I think about everyday that I would like to share with world but I just get busy. I am one of those people whose mind works a little like an Ellen DeGeneres monologue. If you have never watched her, the monologue is very fast and random with thoughts and ideas coming in quick blurbs that seem to tumble out of her mouth and then ends with music starting and Ellen breaking into a dance move. My mind works like that and now, since I haven't shared those thoughts,  I suppose many of them are lost.

But then, today is a day for loss isn't it? We all lost something today, and many seemed to have lost everything. Like most of you, I remember what I was doing on 9/11. I can even remember the events from the day before. On September 10th, Russell's grandmother was in the hospital having a pace maker put in and we went to Texarkana to see her. His Aunt Danita was there. Russell had broken off a tooth the weekend before (a front tooth) and had scheduled an appointment for as soon as the dentist could see him and Aunt NeNe joked and said she would tell the dentist it was an "emmer gency" said like only NeNe can say something. Josh pulled a tooth at the hospital - his first tooth and also a front tooth. We all laughed and joked about how they favored. We went by Lowe's for something and they had a wooden entertainment armoire on clearance. It had been a display and the store had finished one door so customers could see the potential in the piece and the rest was unfinished wood. It was a happy find for me. I am a big do-it-yourself-er (and cheap) and was tickled to have a new project.

The next morning, I carried Shelby and Josh to school and then started a cartoon for Taylor in her room. I turned on my music and started to sand. A little while later, my momma called. They owned Shockley's Service Center at the time and she called to ask if I was watching TV. I told her no and before I could even tell her about my new project, she said to turn it on. A customer had told them a plane had flown into one of the Twin Towers. That was before...before we knew it was on purpose, before the first tower fell, before we knew about the Pentagon and that sacred field in Pennsylvania. I sat with my eyes glued to the TV. I called my mother shortly after the first tower fell and was on the phone relaying information when the second one came down. I remember my knees going weak and I slumped down onto the couch...then I rolled off and onto my knees. How? How could this be happening in my country? I remember at first everyone thinking it must have been some computer malfunction in a plane or a control tower. Why would anyone want to hurt America or her people - especially innocent people? America where people come for opportunity and to make their dreams come true!

I worked on that armoire for the next few weeks and kept my eyes glued to the television. As a country, we not only lost lives that day, but we lost our security. There is a difference in feeling something and knowing it and we didn't just lose the feeling that those things didn't happen here, but the knowledge was gone. I also saw a country come together. I saw our political leaders stop pointing and blaming for a day or two and put their hands together in prayer. Everyone was hurting and no one wanted to be mean to anyone else. That makes we wonder...they say violence breeds more violence. Maybe that is true when measured on a smaller scale, but when that violence hit - so hard and affecting so many, for a minute, it seemed to suck the mean right out of us.

For me personally it changed my ability to look at everyone the same. Even though I was raised (mostly) in an all white community in a area where we have limited cultural diversity, I had never had a problem with labeling people by their skin. That's not to say that if I was describing a person who had just passed in a group of people that I wouldn't say "the black man instead of "the man in the blue shirt". I would use his color to identify the way he looked but not the person he was. I have never been one to stereotype a group. I don't think that any one group is lazy or dishonest or dumb or trying to convert us to whatever. People are people and you can't judge a book by its cover. I really liked learning about other people and what their world and culture was like. I have always said if I suddenly had a wealth of money, the only thing I would do differently was travel. I would see every piece of dirt I could and learn about its people. But after 9/11 and the events that have taken place, since then,  I have struggled with that.  I certainly don't think all Muslims want to kill us but I am uncertain of how to determine who does and who doesn't. I suppose that is the success of terrorism. It causes us to fear - both the things the we really should and the things we imagine we should. For me, the latter is worse because when my mind, however fast and funny and random, goes to a dark scary place, it is very dark and scary. The kind of place that makes me afraid of a young middle eastern (maybe not even Muslim) woman holding a baby in a Wal Mart. Yes, she seems an unlikely candidate, but don't they all? How can we not be afraid of everyone?

Let's travel back to the garden of Eden. We were not made for fear. In the garden, Eve didn't even seem to be scared of a talking serpent. (Here's another random thought: could all animals talk in the garden or just the serpent? Discuss among yourselves.) She nor Adam was afraid or ashamed until they ate the Fruit of the Knowledge of good and evil and their eyes were opened. That's what happened to me on 9/11. I was force fed the fruit. I was forced to open my eyes and see the good and evil. So now what do I do? Live in constant fear?  What I can do is trust the Lord who says, "Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you" Deuteronomy 31:6. I have looked this scripture up in several translation of the Bible and the words are almost identical in every one of them. You see, for me, my freedom can be taken by fear.  Fear can take my freedom to travel, my freedom to enjoy the differences I see in myself and others, my freedom to share my faith. But freedom can be restored by faith. Faith that this life is only temporary and my real home is somewhere else, faith that there are good people in every religion, race and walk of life, faith that faith alone can help me. So for today, with everything we have lost, I choose not to lose faith.